r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

Desert Bus: May 9, 2004; Take 1 tablet by mouth daily.

Bees are cool and generally won't gently caress with you if you don't gently caress with them. So I just have to assume his hive was custom built to look like a late 90's gaming PC or totally rad Minecraft castle.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:30

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# ? May 18, 2024 18:22

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

AITA for kicking my MIL out of my house for being passive aggressive about my husband cleaning up?

quote:

My husband, Tom, and I recently moved into our house, today we hosted our first dinner party with my mother in law (mil), FIL, BILs and their wives and SIL. I took a day off from the my business to make sure everything was perfect. I spent hours on my feet to make sure everything was perfect, I went grocery shopping, cleaned the house and cooked. By the time everyone got here I was exhausted but I still entertained everyone because I was so excited to have them over.

Everyone was having a good time, even MIL, I think its because Tom and I sat at opposite end of the table and she got to sit next to him. We moved to the living room to have dessert and that's when everything went to crap. I was in the kitchen with SIL plating up the desserts she brought and making more ice cream. A few minutes later Tom came back and started clearing up the dishes that were on the table, I didn't ask him to do this, he's just like this. MIL heard us talking and came to the kitchen and saw Tom loading the dishwasher, she asked if he knew what he was doing and he told he did.

MIL came in after Tom went back to the living room and said (I forgot some of the other stuff she said). "PugLoverNo1565, if you needed help with cleaning up you could have asked us to do it instead of stressing Tom with it. He's not good at this sort of thing and he has had a long day at work. The key to happy marriage is working together and making life easier for each other. Tom works so hard, he bought this house and everything in it to make life easier for you. The least you can do is clean up". I told her I didn't ask for help, Tom just helped because this is house too and he wants to make life easier for me. I also asked her if she realised it wasn't 1993 because Tom isn't a baby anymore he's capable of cleaning up, its not rocket science. I told her we don't need marriage advice, especially from her because she said something about making our marriage last while she's was on marriage number 3/7 at my age. She called me angry and said I had no need to be vicious, I told her I'd show her vicious and I left the room. MIL followed me to the door and I told her get out, she did and then started crying.

Everyone came to see what was going on and I told them I'm tired of MIL and her nastiness she tries to hide by being passive aggressive. FIL apologised for her and I told him I don't accept, she can apologise for herself or leave. Tom and his brother Andrew told her to apologise and she refused so I shut the door in her face and went to the kitchen. FIL and one of DH's brothers and his girlfriend left soon after. The rest that stayed had a good time and they left two hours ago.

All hell has broken loose and I'm getting messages basically calling me an rear end in a top hat. I don't think I was but Tom and everyone who stayed is biased because they can't stand MIL, so I don't know. AITA?

Nice and shiny spine. I like how many of her children are tired of MILs bullshit too.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:31

blackmet: Aug 5, 2006; I believe there is a universal Truth to the process of doing things right (Not that I have any idea what that actually means).

Shanghaied posted:

Not wanting a beehive in your backyard because it didn't match your house.

That is a perfectly valid reason to not want a beehive in the backyard.

It would be, like, number 46 on my list after concerns about the dog getting stung, me getting stung, our friends and neighbors getting stung, the buzzing sounds, the inability to feel comfortable using my backyard, etc.

I'd consider it to be up there with scat play on the "are you really, really, really, really, really, really REALLY sure" scale.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:31

redshirt: Aug 11, 2007

blackmet posted:

That is a perfectly valid reason to not want a beehive in the backyard.

It would be, like, number 46 on my list after concerns about the dog getting stung, me getting stung, our friends and neighbors getting stung, the buzzing sounds, the inability to feel comfortable using my backyard, etc.

I'd consider it to be up there with scat play on the "are you really, really, really, really, really, really REALLY sure" scale.

Bees are cool and chill, you're thinking of wasps

# ? May 4, 2024 23:33

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

blackmet posted:

On the one hand, destroying your partners property on purpose is wrong.

On the other hand, I totally get not wanting a beehive in your backyard. But you should have just said no.

And I wonder how many times she got stung?

This isn't any different from that story about that lady's husband destroying her enclosed ecosystem terrarium while she was away from the house for a few days, it's absolutely abuse and this dude needs to divorce her.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:34

Fatty: Sep 13, 2004; Not really fat

Desert Bus posted:

It's called the "Reader's Curse." You know the words you just can't pronounce them.

https://samkates.co.uk/2018/07/27/the-avid-readers-curse/

Are you Sam Kates? Because only one person ever called it that.

Fatty fucked around with this message at 23:40 on May 4, 2024

# ? May 4, 2024 23:35

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

blackmet posted:

That is a perfectly valid reason to not want a beehive in the backyard.

It would be, like, number 46 on my list after concerns about the dog getting stung, me getting stung, our friends and neighbors getting stung, the buzzing sounds, the inability to feel comfortable using my backyard, etc.

I'd consider it to be up there with scat play on the "are you really, really, really, really, really, really REALLY sure" scale.

Tell me you've never been around domesticated honey bees without telling me you've never been around domesticated honey bees.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:36

Desert Bus: May 9, 2004; Take 1 tablet by mouth daily.

Fatty posted:

Are you Same Kates? Because only one person ever called it that.

I learned the term from a friend sometime in the 90's after I said a word wrong. I do not know where they picked it up from.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:39

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

Chewbecca posted:

How is a beehive that much of an eyesore. and even if it's somehow ugly for whatever reason, your husband likes it so why TF does it matter?

We had some friends put a few up on our property (with permission, obviously), and they were just hastily slapped together out of spare lumber and stuff, but it didn't really matter that they looked kind of junky since they were out on rural property where basically nobody saw them. I don't think that's the case here, though, it sounds like it was me of a prefab thing that'd look fine to most people.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:39

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

He mentioned it had legs, so it's probably something like this (which looks like a common design according to google??) and not just a bunch of bee boxes:

Honestly, it looks more than fine in a garden.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:42

Kenshin: Jan 10, 2007

blackmet posted:

That is a perfectly valid reason to not want a beehive in the backyard.

It would be, like, number 46 on my list after concerns about the dog getting stung, me getting stung, our friends and neighbors getting stung, the buzzing sounds, the inability to feel comfortable using my backyard, etc.

I'd consider it to be up there with scat play on the "are you really, really, really, really, really, really REALLY sure" scale.

You should be ashamed to be this ignorant of honeybees, or are you and your pets and neighbors just completely incapable of not going up to bees and loving with them until they sting you?

Do you not know the difference between them and yellowjackets or hornets?!

# ? May 4, 2024 23:45

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

Our house gets lots of carpenter bees during the spring and summer months and I adore sitting on the porch and watching those fat idiots float around into poo poo and slapfight each other. The shed roof is just lovely thin potmetal and you can hear them colliding with it because they're derps. :unsmith:

# ? May 4, 2024 23:48

My Spirit Otter: Jun 15, 2006; CANADA DOESN'T GET PENS LIKE THIS

SKILCRAFT KREW Reppin' Quality Blind Made American Products. Bitch.

chances are its a langstroth hive and is one of the lovely ones that looks like a bunch of stryofoam coolers stacked on top of each other(they are wooden)

# ? May 4, 2024 23:49

deported to Canada: Jun 1, 2006

Bees are incredible creatures and our planet needs more of them. It seems more like she wanted to destroy something he enjoys rather than it being about how ugly the hive was, she didn't mind what her co-workers would think about a smashed hive in the garden surrounded by distressed bees.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:53

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

Around here there's a rooftop caf� in the middle of the city with an urban bee colony. The hives are fenced off, so guests can't bother them, but the bees can just fly where-ever. I've been there a few times, and the bees don't bother the guests at all, even with all the sweet pastries and drinks all over the place. They're just completely focused on doing their little bee-things.

# ? May 4, 2024 23:58

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

Never jeopardize the bees

# ? May 4, 2024 23:59

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

Kenshin posted:

You should be ashamed to be this ignorant of honeybees, or are you and your pets and neighbors just completely incapable of not going up to bees and loving with them until they sting you?

Do you not know the difference between them and yellowjackets or hornets?!

Yeah, the hives we had were displaced a bit from the house, but not *that* far, and we never had any problems. I would just go hang out watching the bees fly in and out, and they didn't care if we weren't harassing the hives or anything.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:01

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

FMguru posted:

Another "test" (that almost certainly wasn't a test)

Recently informed by my ex that he never wanted to break up with me and our breakup was actually a test

The highest rated response is simply

Yep.

Sex with my (22f) boyfriend (22m) is so bad

quote:

Update - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/dtmbONeSEx

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. The relationship is great, but the sex is bad. We’re both 22 and very healthy.

Lately (past several months) he can’t even finish during sex. We’ll have sex, and he’ll go soft, and then we’ll have to try again, and it repeats. This’ll sometimes go on for over an hour, and then it occasionally ends with me crying and him being mad and frustrated. Occasionally he’ll end up finishing. It’s so annoying and I hate it, but I don’t know what more I can do. And he always makes me finish first, whether or not we have sex.

I’ve tried everything. I give him head. I do positions I don’t feel comfortable with to try to make him happy. I bought lingerie for him. I’m so embarrassed and none of it works. He always has a different excuse for why the sex doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s “I’m stressed” or “I’m tired” or “I just don’t know” or “it’s because of the condom”, yesterday it was “I just wasn’t turned on”.

He always complains about it, he doesn’t count it as sex unless he finishes so we could have sex one day and it’ll be bad and take hours and the next day he’ll be complaining saying it’s been weeks since we’ve had sex and he feels so “frustrated” and “pent up”. He always gets mad when he doesn’t finish too and it’s overall just very upsetting for both of us.

I don’t think I can take it anymore, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t just keep spending hours of my life crying and being stressed when I just want to have sex. It’s not fair.

AITA for being this upset and considering ending an otherwise great relationship over bad sex?

Other post from the same account. This post has 3 updates.

Another post further in time about their sex life is also there.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:01

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

The important thing with bees is learning to distinguish an angry bee from a happy bee. Once you can recognise happy bees you can stop being afraid of them and pretty much ignore their presence.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:25

redshirt: Aug 11, 2007

The Lone Badger posted:

The important thing with bees is learning to distinguish an angry bee from a happy bee. Once you can recognise happy bees you can stop being afraid of them and pretty much ignore their presence.

Tell me about the angry bees

# ? May 5, 2024 00:27

The Maroon Hawk: May 10, 2008

NOT THE BEES!!!

# ? May 5, 2024 00:28

carrionman: Oct 30, 2010

I've got 3 hives in my garden, have done for years.

99% of the time they're super chill, usually I'll work on them without a suit, I could get away without gloves too but I have major sensory issues with the feeling of them walking over my skin.

Biggest issue is the honey, on a good year I'll get an average of 50kg of honey per hive per year, I'll make mead, substitute it for sugar in cooking but it's still a lot.

I have had to fence them off due to having a toddler, but beyond that they're no drama at all.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:29

YerDa Zabam: Aug 13, 2016

Kenshin posted:

I hate that smell and judge otherwise put-together people that smell like that. It's super gross.

I remember a girlfriend from 30-odd years ago saying she was partly attracted to me because I did have the "single man laundry stink". So many guys I knew would just leave stuff in the machine fermenting for multiple days, I loving hate that sour honk, ugh.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:31

deported to Canada: Jun 1, 2006

Shanghaied posted:

I've been there a few times, and the bees don't bother the guests at all, even with all the sweet pastries and drinks all over the place. They're just completely focused on doing their little bee-things.

Bees are great, unlike wasps who stalk these types of areas. I still clearly remember some nightmare fuel from sitting in a pub garden one summer when a friend went to drink from a can of coke with a wasp just inside the lid - which promptly stung her mouth/lips, making me paranoid about soft drinks and wasps ever since.

But bees are great.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:40

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

deported to Canada posted:

Bees are great, unlike wasps who stalk these types of areas. I still clearly remember some nightmare fuel from sitting in a pub garden one summer when a friend went to drink from a can of coke with a wasp just inside the lid - which promptly stung her mouth/lips, making me paranoid about soft drinks and wasps ever since.

But bees are great.

Oh yeah there is no such thing as a happy wasp.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:43

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

carrionman posted:

Biggest issue is the honey, on a good year I'll get an average of 50kg of honey per hive per year, I'll make mead, substitute it for sugar in cooking but it's still a lot.

Man, that's a ton. I have no idea how much our friends got, but they always had some on hand, they gave us plenty for hosting the bees, and they had enough left over to sell at farmers markets. It's great stuff, fresh honey is really good.

# ? May 5, 2024 00:46

Pigsfeet on Rye: Oct 22, 2008; I'm meat on the hoof

blackmet posted:

On the one hand, destroying your partners property on purpose is wrong.

On the other hand, I totally get not wanting a beehive in your backyard. But you should have just said no.

And I wonder how many times she got stung?

The husband and wife need to do spouse swapping with these two:

�AITA for pregnancy/baby-proofing my house?�

My wife and I are pregnant with our first child, and we couldn�t be happier about it. I�ve already been feeling left out of our pregnancy due to my wife�s behavior so I was particularly upset that she/the baby would be going on a full week business trip only a few weeks after the good news, but I kept my mouth shut about it because her work plans are already a sore subject.

I thought it would be a great time to start pregnancy/baby proofing the house, that she�d be excited to see the nursery/house adjustments when she came back, one less thing for her to worry about. The whole week I spent all my evenings clearing out the room we�d marked for the nursery, painting, putting together furniture, etc. It also seemed like an ideal time to make arrangements for the things my wife can�t use since she�s pregnant�particularly stuff for a sort of dangerous hobby she picked up a while back. When she moved in to my house, she gave me an ultimatum about letting her bring several hives of bees with her, under the agreement that they would stay far from the house. It already made me so so uncomfortable to watch her messing with them when it was just her, but obviously if anything went wrong, being attacked by tens of thousands of bees would easily kill our unborn baby, and likely her as well. And of course they can't be here when we have a baby! I know she�s developed an attachment to them, so saying goodbye would be really difficult, and figured it would be best to take care of that while she was gone so she wouldn�t have the double upset of having to watch them go.

I have a friend who�d mentioned wanting to get into the bee business (apparently it can be lucrative to lease them to farms), and he was happy to take them off my hands, so a guy he knows who�s an experienced beekeeper helped us move them. Open and shut, I thought. When my wife got home and saw they were gone, she absolutely lost her mind when I explained. Complete screaming hysterics. I�ve absolutely never seen her close to that upset, and I was genuinely freaked out while I was trying to calm her down. She packed a bag and left, completely refusing to tell me where she was going.

I then get a call from my friend who had the bees, completely freaked out because my wife had showed up at his house with her brother, his truck, and a police officer, insisting he give them back to her. I rushed down there and explained to the cop that the bees were my wife�s, and we�re married so legally we share anything that belongs to either of us and it was legal for me to give them away, and that she�s pregnant and obviously can�t tend to them, so they were going to get neglected anyway. The cop completely refused to listen to me and told my friend to give them back. My wife and her brother left with them, and she�s still refusing to take my calls.

I�m still in utter shock at the crazy scene she pulled, I know hormones make you nuts when you�re pregnant but this is so wildly out of character for her. Did I not do what literally any husband and father would??

# ? May 5, 2024 01:26

deported to Canada: Jun 1, 2006

I don't know why but I can't help visualising her standing on a porch with tears in her eyes as she waves off tens of thousands of tiny little bees. Just think of the heart break he spared her.

# ? May 5, 2024 01:30

Pigsfeet on Rye: Oct 22, 2008; I'm meat on the hoof

deported to Canada posted:

I don't know why but I can't help visualising her standing on a porch with tears in her eyes as she waves off tens of thousands of tiny little bees. Just think of the heart break he spared her.

She stands on the porch in the setting sun, singing � My Heart Will Go On� as the bees sadly disperse into the distance in a golden cloud.

# ? May 5, 2024 01:35

Indecisive: May 6, 2007

This stupid motherfucker.............

# ? May 5, 2024 01:35

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

FMguru posted:

Another "test" (that almost certainly wasn't a test)

Recently informed by my ex that he never wanted to break up with me and our breakup was actually a test

But then he started saying he was still in love with me and still wanted to be with me, and when he sent that text I wasn�t supposed to just accept it, I should�ve driven over to his place and begged for him back and done everything that he texted saying he wasn�t happy about.

If you really loved me you would immediately capitulate to all of my demands and do whatever I wanted. i can't believe you'd hurt me like this.

# ? May 5, 2024 01:53

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

The husband and wife need to do spouse swapping with these two:

�AITA for pregnancy/baby-proofing my house?�

Comment by this loving guy:

quote:

I expressed how uncomfortable I was with them from the start. Tons of people die every year being attacked by bees. I'm not a trained beekeeper, I couldn't just take care of them for her whole pregnancy. What is it with this idea that I gave away something like her cat??? I'm fully stepping up and scooping HER cats litter since she can't, I don't have that option with tens of thousands of wild bees.

And I'm not saying that she shouldn't be allowed to travel since she's pregnant (although car accidents are one of the biggest killers of pregnant women), just that I'm upset she isn't following through with our agreement to seriously consider her staying home with our kids. I feel like I'm well within my rights to be disappointed that she's breaking an important promise. And the nursery--I absolutely did not "completely do the nursery", there were tons of final details for her to control.

And yeah, same with being left out of all the beginnings here. Didn't involve me when she took the test, told her MOTHER first, waited days to tell me, didn't tell me about the confirmatory appointment...it's all so out of character nasty of her.

Apparently pregnant women shouldn't be in cars because safety???!!! No one tells this rear end in a top hat that one of the biggest killers of women is their lovely husbands. And "Why won't you seriously consider becoming a stay at home mum????!!!! You promised to consider!!!! Why won't you consider yourself into doing exactly what I want???!!!!"

Irrational fear of bees and controlling. Divorce and abort. Nothing against the baby, but she does not want this guy in her life in any way, shape, or form.

# ? May 5, 2024 02:11

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

quote:

Okay, so first thing I want to say is that I LOVE my fiance. He's a great guy. Whip smart, kind, funny. A year and a half ago I would never imagined I'd be at this point.

We've been dating for 5 years, ever since we met. He works at a call center and I'm a postal worker. We make a moderate income, and the wedding is tentatively in April. (Small, courthouse wedding with a tasteful reception afterwards.)

(I apologize in advance for the legal gobbily-goop. He hasn't really kept me in the loop, and I'm a mail carrier, not a lawyer. I don't have a head for this.)

One year into our relationship he got a notice for paternity from the state he used to live in, for a 3 year old boy. So clearly this happened waaaay before I met him. He thought it was ridiculous, but took the ordered DNA test. Turns out, he IS the father. (Insert Maury audience cat-calling here.)

The mother was apparently mentally unwell, and it turned out the boy was in custody of the grandparents. They offered to adopt the boy if my fiance gave up all his paternal rights. He jumped at the offer -- they pulled some strings (I've heard it's supposed to be hard, but we literally flew down to his old state on the date they told him to, signed some papers in front of a judge, and that was that.)

I was personally... ambivalent about the thing. It seemed like he just gave up all rights to his son without a care. But in the end, it's his business, not mine. I told myself I would be supportive Step-Mother if the boy ever came to him for help/answers when he was older.

There was some messy legal business about arrears child support, because the mother apparently was on welfare for years, and the state wants repayment from Fiance. I don't know much about it, because he refuses to share. Only that it's around 20k. For three years. drat.

A couple years go by, I take Fiance to the DMV to renew his license because it's waaaaay past expired and he won't do it. Low and behold, it's suspended. Why? Past due child support judgement for ANOTHER child. A 12 year old girl.

30 thousand dollars.

Fiance is literally sick. (And I mean he threw up all night.) Worse, in order to get his license suspended he had to contact child support department in his old state and give them all his current contact info -- where he works, where he lives.

Soon enough, a notice comes through HR: He's going to be garnished 25% of his after-tax pay because of the child support judgement.

Reddit, he just shut down after that -- stonewalls any conversation regarding the issue at all. I took up more of the bills, but now we're both struggling. We have had to move into a smaller, crappier apartment using my credit alone because his has a big fat judgement on it. He had to refinance his almost paid off car because he couldn't afford the high payments.

There's... some kind of hearing coming up. I don't know what it's about because he flatly refuses to tell me. I think maybe it's to adjust the payments based on his current income (which has grown due a promotion). Either way, he hasn't bought plane tickets. (Or rather, hasn't asked me for the money because he can't afford them). I think he's not going. It'll be an automatic judgement against him.

Here's the thing: He could request a DNA test for the girl. He hasn't, though he's told me he's certain he's not the father. He could hire an attorney -- I've offered to front the cost -- but he has a thousand excuses: He'd have to get one in his other state, they'd gouge him because he wasn't there, he doesn't have the time, excuse, excuse, excuse.

The hearing is in three weeks. I don't know what's going on and he's so passive about it that I'm worried. So, I opened up an official looking notice he received a few months back, but never bothered to open.

There's a THIRD child. This one is a brother of the girl. Maybe the hearing is actually about him? God drat it. I just don't know. He has actually left the house for a long walk when I questioned him a few weeks back. I am not a nagging person. Asking him to deal with his bullshit is uncomfortable for me, too.

If I have to confront him with an ultimatum, we've reached the point of no return. But I'm almost there.

So here's the deal. I love my fiance. He's 50k (For the first boy and girl) in debt that will haunt him for the foreseeable future. He won't DO anything about it -- just sticks his head in the sand and hopes it goes away. Maybe he's depressed? He acts normal, as if none of this is happening. There might be more on the way, with the third child.

If I stay with him, I'll never be able to buy a house. I will have to make all major purchases on my credit alone -- we can never combine income.

He has abandoned three children. I don't know the full stories of the relationship between him and the mothers, other than it was painful and full of lies. One is his biological child for sure. The other two are a question, but they may as well be in the eyes of the state. He doesn't care about them, other than the bi-weekly garnishment on his paycheck. As far as I understand, he's never asked about them once.

I had a pregnancy scare last month. Well, actually I found out I had been pregnant via miscarriage. (No condolences needed, please.) I didn't tell him. It's done. But the first thought in my head after I realized... uh, what came out, was my child would have been fourth in line for any support if things went south. Who says he wouldn't abandon me, too? We do plan on having children eventually.

My heart loves this guy. My head says I'll be throwing away my financial future if I stick with him. What does Reddit say?

(Update) My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

quote:

Unfortunately, someone linked my previous post from another subreddit, so the post was locked and deleted.

The basic jist was my fiance had stuck his head in the sand and was ignoring child support notices and hearings to the tune of 50k, for children conceived way before our relationship started. After the second surprise child, he had completely shut me out on the subject. I opened up some of his forgotten mail and saw there was a notice for a THIRD child. To recap:

Baby 1: 3 year old boy -- he was able to give up his paternal rights in favor of the mother's grandparents because the mother had mental health issues. 20k child support in arrears. Baby 2: 12 year old girl. 30k on going child support. I don't know the story behind this one, and he isn't talking. Baby 3: Brother of 12 year old girl. The birthdate was on the paperwork, but he took that letter with him.

Thank you for all of the comments, PMs, and valuable feedback from my other post. The ones that told me I, too, was sticking my head in the sand really put it in place with me. As did the ones who gave professional insight that it was simply NOT possible for him to have been completely blindsided with all three children.

So I was in a mood when he got home tonight. I showed my fianc� (who I'm now calling Johnny Appleseed, thanks to a previous commenter) the letter I opened about the third child. Luckily, he didn't get all huffy about me opening his mail because I was not in the mood.

Johnny's face just fell and he said it was impossible for him to be the father of the third child. (He didn't know about it -- not having opened his child support mail over the last few months.) That the mother of the 12 year old had won child support judgment against him for the girl, and now was clearly looking for more.

I told him I thought that was BS and I wanted the truth now, that I'd been looking through his old state's law and the courts can't have ruled him the father of the 12 year old without evidence. He pulled his usual stonewall stuff, said it didn't matter, because there was a judgment against him he was screwed for life. He actually started to cry. I kept on him. Finally he told me the truth.

He and the Baby Momma were in love since they were teenagers, but it was a on and off relationship. She was drama. She got pregnant and he was there for her, but right before the baby was born she told him he wasn't the father. He was stubborn and proud, and still signed the birth certificate. But he left her soon after at her request, and didn't have any contact. Why didn't he get a DNA test? It was expensive and his heart was broken.

By the end of this, he was crying. I started crying too, and I told him I can't marry him right now with all this going on.

OMG did he go instantly from sorrowful to pissed. He kept asking me how I could do this, that I knew about the child support going in, that he'd always been honest with me. (Um, no, he'd said nothing, or insinuated she put his name on the birth certificate -- not the same as honesty). That he knew Baby Mamma was trying yet again to ruin his life. The judgment was already in, there was nothing he could do because the courts ALWAYS ruled in favor of the mother. There was no point in trying. This was all her fault for trying to ruin his life, and by taking her side over him I was letting her.

Reddit, I'd like to say I threw in some good zingers. The fact is, when things get heated my brain stalls out. I said some things about how he was handling the situation, keeping me locked out of what was going on with the upcoming hearing, that if this kept blowing this off he could go to jail, but my delivery sounded kinda lame even to me. It's never like how I practice in my head or can type out here, you know?

Then he started asking me if this was about a male coworker I had once given a ride home, like three months ago. If I had an affair with him. WTF? NO.

I took off the ring (his grandmother's) and told him to take it. That he needed to move out tonight, stay with someone else, and give me some space. The wedding was off, and I needed a few days to consider the rest of the relationship.

He kept asking me why, like he couldn't believe I was breaking off the wedding because of a little ol' thing like 50k in debt, three surprise children, and a complete shut-down of the subject. Then he called me shallow, that money means more to me than love.

It went on, but I'm already sick of reliving this. (He does swear there is no possibility of any more surprise children. Period.) He packed a duffle full of clothes and left, having convinced himself that I was either cheating on him or shallow and money hungry.

So I spent the evening rereading comments (I've done the right thing, right?) and browsing For Rent sites. The lease is in my name only because of the judgments on his credit report. (Ugh, this is what I've become -- lying to landlords because of my deadbeat fianc�.) He probably has some sort of resident rights anyway. Meh. At least he's out of the apartment for now.

I texted him a long message an hour ago: (Johnny) before we join our lives together, I need to know you can handle your responsibilities like an adult. Go to the hearing. I will help you with a lawyer, with a plane ticket. Whatever. If you treat me like a partner, maybe we can rebuild our relationship. I love you.

He hasn't answered. I hope he listens to reason once he cools down. He has so many good qualities -- I had to share the very worst in my post to you all. He would be an excellent father if he wanted visitation, and I am willing to put in the work to sort this out and move forward with these kids if he is. He's convinced himself he's screwed for life, and I think it's paralyzed him. It's a terrifying place to be.

I know... basically everyone wanted me to kick him to the curb, but I'm hoping this break is enough of a 'come to Jesus' moment for him to prove he's not a deadbeat. Basically, if he wants to fight for this relationship, he has to go to the hearing and handle his business. Get on a payment plan, and keep on it. Then relationship counseling. Lots and lots of relationship counseling. Then, we'll see? I still may break up permanently but at least he'll have sorted out a thing or two. Maybe I'm just holding onto hope.

So that's it. I really wish I had thought of something awesome to say during the argument, but life isn't a movie. Ball's in his court. Let's see if he mans up or not.

Anyone been through anything like this before? I did blindside him a little because I, too, had been waaaay too passive in letting this slide. How do I help him help himself?

tl;dr: Got (maybe) the truth about Baby Momma, called off the wedding, and hinged any hope of our relationship on him attending his child support hearing.

Update: He hasn't answered the text with the offer to help. I've called the landlord and requested a new lock for the door. He's not on the lease, and it's probably not legal, but as someone pointed out (and I agree) he's adverse to going to court.

Responses have been... passionate. I don't think I was clear. We're essentially done, I returned his grandmother's ring told him to give me space. If IF he accepts help and steps up to his obligations to his children with no backsliding, only then will I consider taking him back. Not for immediate marriage (JFC I'm not insane.). Not to get pregnant (as some lovely commentator suggested).

But considering it's morning and he still hasn't answered the text, it probably doesn't matter.

(Update 2) My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

quote:

The original post was locked and deleted because someone linked it from another subreddit. I've pasted the contents in the first comment.

Here's the link to the first update.

I don't even know where to start.

After I called off the wedding and returned his grandmother's engagement ring, he packed a duffle full of his clothes and left.

It's been about a month, and I haven't heard a peep from him. I changed the locks on the apartment, but he hasn't been back for his stuff anyway. He blocked me on facebook and when I gave in and tried to give him a call a week later, he'd changed his phone number too.

I heard he was staying at his Best Bro's house, courtesy of Bro's girlfriend.

Trust me, I went through all the stages of grief -- denial, anger, acceptance, etc -- and I finally accepted he wasn't coming back. I thought maybe he'd gone back to his home state to be with one of the baby mama's, but his car was parked in the parking lot at his work. (I may have... drove past once or twice.)

The hearing was scheduled for early this week. Finally, tonight, I plucked up my courage and went to the Best Bro's house to confront him. The least he could do is get his crap out of my apartment, right? I grabbed up his many many unopened child support notices, and a picture of boy #1 he left on his dresser. It's the only picture of the three kids that he has, and he left it behind.

Best Bro answered the door, and what followed was just about the most awkward conversation ever.

I can't remember the conversation verbatim but I asked where ex-Fianc� was, and Best Bro said he wasn't there. He was being all evasive, so I asked if he went to the hearing or not.

Best Bro looked confused. What hearing?

I told him the child support hearing for his three kids. Best Bro looked super confused, like I was crazy. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone else, other than ex-Fianc�.

Of course I wasn't. I gave Best Bro a very abbreviated version (kicked ex-Fianc� out bc he was ignoring his child support from his baby mamas, he had a hearing earlier this week.) I was getting loud because I'd been bottling this up and Best Bro's girlfriend came out to see what was going on.

She's the one who told me, her exact words: Your man lost his drat mind.

The weekend after I kicked him out, he went out to a bar with Best Bro for some good ol' girl bashing. He met up with some 22 year old bartender, and hooked up. Reddit, he MARRIED her last weekend. Drove up to Reno (we're a couple hours from the Nevada border) and did the whole chapel of love thing. Best Bro and his girlfriend were the witnesses.

They hadn't really supported his decision, but he had them convinced I was a cheating whore, and he was so heartbroken. Plus, Best Bro's girlfriend implied later that he'd overstayed his welcome by crashing at their house for most of a month.

I was shocked and pissed and wanted to cry because I sorta got the vibe that Best Bro still didn't believe I wasn't cheating. So I grabbed the court documents from my car and gave them to him to 'pass along' to my ex. I doubt they'll open them up, but the fact they're from his old state county's child support division should be good evidence.

I don't know why I should care about their opinion. Neither one of them called me during this. I thought I was their friend, too. But they believed him.

Now I'm back home, surrounded by his crap, and trying to sort out my feelings.

I feel like... I've just watched someone blow through all the 'bridge is out' warning signs and drive off a cliff. I told my ex I'd help him get a lawyer for the hearing, help him with the plane ticket. Instead of taking care of his business, he went and married some chick he'd known for... like two and a half weeks at most? (I think. I'm not in the mood to drag out a calendar. Let's be generous and call it three weeks.)

I should feel bad for the girl (HIS NEW WIFE WHAT THE gently caress) for what she's just gotten into, but she must either be a real piece of work herself or just an idiot. Who marries someone they've known for that short of time?

(And I know someone out there is thinking: 'You're an idiot. He had to have known her for longer. He was cheating before this.' Well, I'm certain he wasn't. He's a homebody by nature. There was never any missing time in our relationship, and Best Bro was pretty clear they'd met at the bar that night.)

So basically, instead of going to his child support hearing, he was moving in with his new wifey, and probably doing what newly married people do.

I hope they're happy together. (ahahaha. Of course I don't.)

I guess my next stop is the legal advice subreddit to figure out what to do with his stuff. He might have a contempt of court warrant out for him for skipping the hearing, so I doubt he'll sue me if I toss it all, but I do want to cover my butt.

I know I need to ask a question, so here it is? What in the world was he thinking? Out of all the options he had to him, he picked the very worst. What was SHE thinking? I love (loved) the man, but even I can admit he's not classically good looking. He had nothing to offer but a low paying job, and being practically homeless. And finally, what is wrong with me, that I feel terrible he's found some new way to gently caress up his life?

tl;dr: He found and married someone else within a couple weeks, and I'm all alone wondering why.

# ? May 5, 2024 02:12

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

hawowanlawow posted:

this is all you gotta read

he just says it

This bloke is weaponizing his own incompetence, and trying to use fancy terms to justify it.

# ? May 5, 2024 02:23

mystes: May 31, 2006

Cythereal posted:

My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

(Update) My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

(Update 2) My [33 M] fiance is drowning in overdue child support, and I [31F] am thinking of leaving him.

It's incredible that she took that long to leave him but at least she finally did

# ? May 5, 2024 02:25

Troublemaker: Mar 12, 2007

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

Did I not do what literally any husband and father would??

LOL. My dad raised bees for a hobby. My sister was allergic to them. None of us ever got stung, although my dad did have to go to the hospital once to get a bee removed from inside his ear.

Bees are cool. They're mellow, cute, and helpful. I'd love to get a hive for my garden but I don't want to have to deal with the honey removal and beekeeping stuff; I just want them for pollinators, but I don't think I can do that.

But bees always remind me of my dad, who's been gone for nearly 11 years now. I was my kid's track meet the other day and a fuzzy little bee flew over and landed on my hand. It just chilled there with me for a good while, watching the meet, then flew away. :angel:

# ? May 5, 2024 02:44

big black turnout: Jan 13, 2009; Fallen Rib

Fun bee keeping fact: because of the issues bee colonies have been facing, in Florida no one can tell you you can't keep bees. Landlords, HOAs, etc... have no right to say no

# ? May 5, 2024 02:50

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

I have a pond and there's an island in the pond and we call it "Bee island" because every year all the neighbourhood bees decide that its the best place to get water. All spring and summer there will be 15-20 bees on this one mossy rock. They'll even let me pet them. It's fun to just hang out with the fish and the bees and pet everyone and splash the mossy rock with water to keep it moist for the bees. A few of my neighbours have bee hives in their yard, sometimes front yard. Very weird to consider this abnormal or some aesthetic crime.

Baronjutter fucked around with this message at 03:10 on May 5, 2024

# ? May 5, 2024 03:06

Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

Troublemaker posted:

LOL. My dad raised bees for a hobby. My sister was allergic to them. None of us ever got stung, although my dad did have to go to the hospital once to get a bee removed from inside his ear.

Bees are cool. They're mellow, cute, and helpful. I'd love to get a hive for my garden but I don't want to have to deal with the honey removal and beekeeping stuff; I just want them for pollinators, but I don't think I can do that.

But bees always remind me of my dad, who's been gone for nearly 11 years now. I was my kid's track meet the other day and a fuzzy little bee flew over and landed on my hand. It just chilled there with me for a good while, watching the meet, then flew away.

There's a lot of people who will do things like make structures of little tubes for carpenter bees who pollinate but don't build colonies or produce honey (at least not in harvestable amounts).

I'd do something like that, but around here, that feels like making a love hotel for wasps.

# ? May 5, 2024 03:23

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 18, 2024 18:22

HelleSpud: Apr 1, 2010

Farmer's Almanac - Solitary Bee Habitats

quote:

Bee houses (also called bee hotels or bug hotels) are similar to birdhouses, but instead of attracting birds, they attract native solitary bee species. Unlike honey bees, these solitary bees are extremely docile and up to three times more effective as pollinators. No, you won�t get any honey, but you will enjoy better flowers, thriving plants, and healthier vegetables in your garden!

# ? May 5, 2024 04:19

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

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